When your lawyer won't let you say "I'm Sorry"

As I read more about the sorry state of affairs with regards to the "Catholic priest scandals" it occurs to me that what most of the victims would have liked -- and probably still would appreciate -- is a simple, heartfelt apology.

Imagine if folks in the Catholic leadership would have said early on:

"You have been wronged and we are horrified at what has happened. Here is what we will do to prevent this from happening again..."

This same approach would be similarly the 'right thing' to do in many other circumstances as well, I believe.

"We found that two of our regional banks were overcharging approximately 4000 of our customers on their checking account monthly fees. We screwed up, plain and simple, and would like to offer our humble apologies... a credit for the overcharge... and additionally three months of waived fees for the inconvenience."

But the problem is, many organizations are damned if they do and damned if they don't come clean.

If they admit to wrongdoing, people (including greedy opportunists and their facilitating lawyers) are likely to take this admission of guilt as a ticket to sue them out of existence.

And of course, when these organizations do the 'legally recommended' thing and simply deny and often cover up guilt, we end up in situations whereby harm is multiplied and -- when the truth is found out -- the organizations are often skewered just as mercilessly (and by that time, often for good reason!).

Of course, it's not just organizations that are put between a rock and a hard place. If I had a dime for every time an obviously guilty person pleaded innocent, I'd be a (very) wealthy man.

"Mr. Smith, you were found at the scene of the crime with blood on your hands, a knife in your jacket pocket... and you were screaming 'die die die you yuppie scum!' when the police came across you and the newly deceased man you were kneeling over. How do you plead?"

"Innocent, Your Honor."

Uh huh.

I wish there were some way we could promote a greater urgency of truth telling in our culture without creating such strong legal repercussions.

Saying "I'm sorry" should be a course of first resort, not the result of someone speaking without his lawyer's permission.

Corporate Communications B.S.

I'm sure most folks probably don't pay much attention to tiny-print and speed-spoken corporate admonishments and disclaimers and the like, but I find them fascinating all the same.

They generally fall into two categories:
- Warnings about potential socially-undesireable outcomes / safety risks, like "Don't drink and drive" and "Commercial filmed by stunt driver... do not attempt these maneuvers."
- "Small print" restrictions, such as stuff outlining extra fees and taxes.

Does anyone else find this stuff to be completely ludicrous?



From my perspective, these 'notices' completely fail to either persuade or inform.

Are teens really going to drive more responsibly because the 7pt text on the bottom of the sports car ad urges them to do so?

How about college students, and the "Drink Responsibly" urgings of the liquor industry? I can just imagine it now, "Ya know, Biff, I'm totally digging this frat party and normally I'd love another shot and all... but I just saw this ad today, and on the very bottom it said to 'Drink Responsibly' so I guess I better have a 7up instead."

I also love the contests featured on TV in which some announcer speed-speaks the terms and/or the terms are displayed with 90mph scrolling in tiny text:

Send a 3x5 card to [ridiculously-long-and-hard-to-spell-address] along with a stamped, self-addressed envelope. Not valid in TN, WY, FL, GA, NC, SC, or states whose postal abbreviations contain two consonants. Odds are 17 in 48,819,901 or as determined by the jurisdictional laws and regulations of CA, unless entrant enters from NV, in which case different laws and regulations may apply. Taxes are the responsibility of the winner. In the case that winner is not of the age of majority, parents or guardians will be required to co-sign for delivery of prize, unless applicant is not of legal driving age in which parents will be required to claim and maintain ownership of any prize vehicles, excepting in Puerto Rico. For a complete list of terms and conditions, send a postcard to..."

This, of course, takes approximately 2 seconds or 2 millimeters, whichever comes first.

The drug TV ads are more amusing, however. Attractive housewife with husband and 2.4 kids and a dog are romping through a beautiful meadow, accompanied by bland-and-inoffensive-and-usually-unidentifiable music, all in the noble pursuit of making consumers aware that if they badger their doctors enough for this particular drug by name, they'll be saved from having to be prescribed an equally effective and considerably less costly generic alternative.

My favorite part of these commercials, however, is the breathlessly ejected warnings, which usually sound something like this: "Debtimaxinine may cause swelling of the small intenstines, hairloss, dry mouth, and other minor complications. In particularly severe cases, death may occur. Ask your doctor if debtimaxinine is right for you!"

Is a TV ad really the right forum to be even mentioning the pros and cons of taking a particular prescription drug? For that matter, is it really the best idea to be pushing potent childrens' prescription anti-depressants and the like on national TV anyway?

If our government were really smart, they'd put out the following bulletin to America's corporations:

CEO's, advertising agencies, and the like, pay attention! From this date forth, bullshit disclaimers will not carry any weight whatsoever in a court of law, nor will they fulfill any legal requirements for truthfully informing consumers about your products. You're going to have to do something shocking instead: ACTUALLY inform relevant parties (doctors, patients, people who buy or sell SUV's, etc.) of any substantive risks of your products.

Good news for you alcohol beverage producers: Despite your oft-questionable moral backbone in selling hard liquor to those who can least afford the drunkenness, we're going to actually side with the concept of PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY and PARENTAL GUIDANCE on this topic. We realize that requiring or encouraging you to post stupid pap like 'Drink responsibly' is never going to change behaviors. Indeed, we are not going to hold you responsible when some latchkey kid gets drunk and fries his housecat or when some schmuck drinks one two many and stupidly drives home.

But pharmaceutical company folk, wipe that grin off your faces. You've got a bit more responsibility here, since you've been often buying off doctors with expensive cruises, misleading the public with questionable claims, and basically squashing sales of generic or even herbal remedies that work with less expense and often less danger than your fancy-pants super-drugs.

We're going to require you to disclose your contributions to hospitals, doctors, and any other medical personnel, and we're also going to insist that you publish both plain-English notices about your drugs' risks, and also include a chart comparing their efficacy to relevant generics and even placebos.

Most importantly... boys... cut it out with the ridiculous 'disclosures' and 'disclaimers' that you know no one understands or even reads. Get real. Or we're gonna sic the same lawyers who won all the tobacco settlements on you guys, too.

Sick of being sick

Just a brief vent / whiny / self-pity exercise here.

I'm sick of being sick. I have a rager headache now (without an enjoyable party the night before to blame it on), and I'm congested. And of course, I'm scheduled to hang out with the fam tomorrow. Can't cancel on 'em, can't breathe on 'em, what's a guy to do?

I'd just smile and suck it up, but Jewish moms have a wonderous and frighteningly accurate way to know when your "I'm fine!" is a baldfaced lie.

So it's probably yet another cold, like my 4th or 5th this year. This sucks. I work out regularly, I eat well, I generally sleep okay. I even take vitamins, dangit.

Okay, so I'm just being a big baby right now.

Blah.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Just wanted to wish you tens of thousands of loyal readers a Happy Thanksgiving -- or for those of you from outside the good ol' U.S. of A., a very Happy November :-D

We're already all reminded to be thankful for the obvious -- our friends, family, health, etc. -- but hey, let's take a moment to be thankful for 'other' stuff, shall we? Here's my off-the-cuff list of the moment of untraditional appreciation, definitely in no particular order:

- Google... yay!
- Culinary spices... cinnamon, cilantro, basil... yum!
- Towel service at my gym
- Finding quarters, not just pennies underneath my couch or bed
- Random e-mails from nice people
- Good green tea
- Days with no allergies
- My friend's Akita
- Tito Puente
- Jimmy Carter
- Salon.com

Lots more, but I guess that's enough for now :-)

No Sex (parodies) please, we're British!

I had no idea that by British broadcasting regulations, it's not permitted to parody living celebrities, politicians, or other famous folk without their permission.

As one British TV producer wryly noted, this could make for some complications in parodying Mr. Bin Laden since "he's a bit tricky to track down at the moment."

Due to this restriction, a recent commercial that, in part, parodied President Bush by having a cartoon likeness stick a DVD into a toaster, was nixed by a British advertising watchdog agency.

Really, now, that's a bit much. We all know that Bush likely uses only VHS tapes, finding DVD's to be Nice and Shiny, but a bit confusing.

The computer thinks I'm Gay and Pregnant

Ray Everett-Church of Fremont, Calif., who is gay, ordered "Queer as Folk" videos from Amazon.com. Understandably, the site began suggesting gay-related calendars and books. Then he bought a baby book for a pregnant friend. So for weeks, the site also recommended parenting books. He says it was as if Amazon.com decided he was "a pregnant gay man."

- Humorous-yet-serious article in the Wall Street Journal talking about how computers (like via Tivo and Amazon.com) profile us

"My, you're looking thin... AND very, uh, happy to see me!"

One candidate that Dr. Cummings described as the "darling" of obesity researchers would be a drug that could stimulate a brain structure called the melanocortin-4 receptor, to decrease appetite and cause weight loss. But side effects always loom, and one drug tested in animals made them lose weight but also caused erections.

"That may sound great, but when the erections are unsolicited and prolonged, that's a bad side effect," Dr. Cummings said.

- From an article on weight loss pharmaceutical research in the New York Times (free registration required)

If this isn't fodder for Jay Leno, I don't know what is. Newly-thin people getting "unsolicited and prolonged" erections, as described by a Dr. Cummings. :D